9 min read

From Fury to Forgiveness: Healing Masculine Rage

Perhaps you're reading this because you're raging and you're not sure what to do about it. Or maybe your partner is having anger issues and it's affecting your relationship. Anger is an emotion but for some reason feeling it still carries alot of stigma. This means it can feel hard to safely express anger, especially if as a child you were never allowed to or you were punished for it. Maybe you often saw your parents angry and promised to never be the same. Whatever the reason, developing a healthy understanding and a somatic relationship with your anger is important.

This blog post is inspired by my work with a client who despite having lots of therapy in the past, was unable to get to the root causes of his physical and emotional issues.

All identifiable details have been changed. As always, if you're ready to start healing reach out to me.

When Physical Therapy Isn't Enough: Mark's Story

Mark sought my assistance for his chronic back pain and severe migraines. He had been living with a spinal twist since childhood and had endured incapacitating migraines for approximately five years. Despite consulting various healthcare professionals, including therapists, physiotherapists, and osteopaths, he only experienced temporary relief from his symptoms. As time went on, Mark began to wonder if his physical ailments might be connected to underlying issues beyond just his body...

When I asked Mark how he felt emotionally he spoke about feeling insecure about his body. He would often compare himself to other guys he saw on TV, in the gym and sometimes even his own friends. He secretly wished he looked more 'alpha male' and to him this meant being more muscular. He would work out often but didn't gain much muscle and felt hopeless. The migraines were making it difficult for him to concentrate and sometimes to sleep. He felt unsure about his future, his career path and who he truly was.

I noticed that despite asking Mark about his emotions, he could only talk about his body. This made me realise that he wasn't aware of his deeper emotions despite the fact they were showing up in his physical body and his perception of his body.

(This is very common- we often notice symptoms first, rather than deeper root causes. Symptoms are also easier to talk about. That's why I put together this FREE Body Mapping Practice so that you can get a clear idea of how your physical symptoms are related to your deeper unresolved traumas. Check it out here.)

The more I spoke to Mark the deeper he started to express himself. He admitted he felt disconnected, inadequate and unloveable.

These feelings had followed him his whole life and he had never told anyone how he really felt about himself - including other therapists.

He struggled to reconcile them because he felt like he had a healthy childhood. Apart from whopping cough (which almost killed him as baby) he remembers his family life as mostly harmonious. As a result he felt guilt for feeling so 'ungrateful.'

He wasn't sure what he needed to do to heal, but he said he would be willing to do anything he needed.

The Healing Work

The healing work began at physical level, to relax and decompress his nervous system, unwind the spinal twist by rebalancing the lower thoracic and regrounding and anchoring the sacrum.

There was a strong emotional charge in his body that felt like a can of coke that has been shaken and was about to burst at any moment. He admitted feeling this almost constantly, but had learnt how to push it down.

Week after week for several months we slowly unboxed childhood imprints of pre verbal grief and confusion, past life mysteries where he had been bound and tied against his will, family secrets that hadn't been fully acknowledged or spoken of and the realities of his ancestral lines, holocaust survivors. Survivors. His body was holding so much. At times in his life he would feel down and disconnected and not know why because his sensations needed integration; mind, heart and body needed to be brought back into the same space. No amount of talking therapy can do this, trauma is held in the tissues of the body. Deep in the cells. He always felt his wounds were so deep he never believe they could be healed.

His life events had created a feeling of not fitting in, not being acceptable or good enough was the result of amongst other things, being bullied at college for no reason other than he wasn't willing to bully, and finding the outside world, a confronting challenge, that he wasn't prepared for in his innocence and emotional sensitivity. He was the child that would watched the washing machine going round as he drowned out the world around him. He was the child that felt everything that wasn't being said in his household, between his parents. He was the child that learnt to hold the pain that his parents were not able to express and heal themselves. He was the child, like many now in this time of awakening, called to heal their family lines.

The more his body shared memories , bit by bit it started to emerge that it was hard to face the world and stay open, so his spine was twisting and turning away to protect his entire being. A big part of his healing was in allowing him to face and express his rage and sadness fully and still be respected. He gradually became more comfortable with contacting these emotions. His sobs and grunts were raw and sometime the energies moving through him were so strong I could see why he had been containing them.

One day he spoke about the bullies and how they made him feel like he didn't fit in, like he was the outsider. He talked about wanting to kill one of them. 'Just one?' I asked. 'Maybe this person too' he replied, referencing another college bully. 'Make a list' I suggested. It wasn't long before he was drawing up a hit list of who needed to be murdered. With each person he was to kill, the part of him that needed to murder, also dies. Facing it. Seeing it through, in a space that is safe. This was the permission he needed.

A gentle man with a murderous rage. A perfect polarity. It's so common.

Most men do not even come for therapy and when they do, they don't go anywhere near their boiling rage. It's too dangerous, too primal, it risks too much rejection.

Through body and energy work he learnt how to safely released this inner tension, torsion and charge. His chest, previously hard and protective had softened and become accessible to him. His heart began to speak as shock, rage and sadness that had accumulated over so many years started to re-integrate. Eventually he became comfortable releasing rage. It came pouring out, it was to be honest, shatteringly beautiful. He screamed and screamed with his face in a pillow. It was raw. Explosive. Primal. Unfiltered. It was a long time coming.

When he had finished, there was a sense of calm. His body softened and his heart opened to himself. I invited him to notice the respect that was still there for him. He could feel it. It settled him deeper into himself. In our final session we recapped our journey. He cried openly and talked about how the work had changed his life. He was so much more willing to just be himself now. He knew he was different from other men but he didn't care. He just wanted to be true to himself.

Embracing Authentic Masculinity & Your Divine Masculine Embodiment

How might society react to this fresh paradigm of masculinity? One that embraces emotional openness and accessibility, that values vulnerability, humility, and eschews the traditional pursuit of power and control?

This fresh paradigm of masculinity represents a significant shift from traditional societal norms and expectations placed on men. In the context of trauma healing and somatic healing, this new model of masculinity can be incredibly beneficial. Let's unpack this:

Emotional Openness and Accessibility: In trauma healing, acknowledging and expressing emotions is crucial. Many men have been conditioned to suppress their feelings, which can exacerbate trauma. A more emotionally open masculinity allows for better processing of traumatic experiences and supports healing.
Valuing Vulnerability: Vulnerability is often seen as weakness in traditional masculinity. However, in trauma healing, vulnerability is true courage. It allows men to face their pain and embody the purpose and intelligence of their emotions. This brings a deep inner confidence and clarity.
Humility: Humility enables men to humble in the face of the identities they have been conditioned into creating. These identities are inherently protective but can become toxic. This makes it hard to seek support. Recognising the inherent need for ego death and spiritual transformation, and being willing to go on this journey is vital to embody divine masculine energy.
Eschewing Traditional Power and Control: Trauma often stems from a loss of control in childhood. Paradoxically, letting go of the need for constant control can be healing. It allows for acceptance and trust. To trust, it is vital that men feel safe and therefore feel safe in their own nervous system. This calls for deep somatic healing and energy alchemy.

In the context of somatic healing:

Body Awareness: This new masculinity model encourages men to be more in tune with their bodies. Somatic healing relies heavily on body awareness to process and release trauma stored in the body.
Emotional Expression: Somatic healing often involves expressing emotions physically. A masculinity that embraces emotional openness aligns well with these practices.
Vulnerability in Physical Practices: Somatic healing may involve practices that require physical vulnerability (like certain yoga poses or dance therapies). A masculinity that values vulnerability makes these healing modalities more accessible.
Holistic Approach: This new paradigm views men as whole beings - emotional, physical, and spiritual. This aligns with the holistic approach of somatic healing.
Reduced Stigma: As this model becomes more accepted, it could reduce the stigma around men seeking help for trauma and engaging in somatic practices, making healing more accessible.

In essence, this paradigm of masculinity creates a more conducive environment for men to engage more fully with their healing and spiritual journey, potentially leading to more profound and lasting recovery from trauma.

Mark's Testimonial About Healing The Wounded Masculine

'Wow. Where to begin. I came to Safa having already had great experiences with Cranio Sacral Therapy work. In our first session I started shaking uncontrollably, it felt like I boiled off a huge amount of residual fear. From then on going for treatment with Safa became a spiritual pilgrimage for me, and a part of my week that was something that felt very very necessary but also like a treat. I let go of so many things I didn’t know I was holding onto.

Safa has the softest, most intelligent hands and heart, that allowed me to release into myself in all my beauty and rage. Her voice has become a voice of wisdom in my head now I know her better, where I ask myself “ come on what would Safa say?”, and the answers are always about understanding and allowing everything which makes everything better every time.

It’s a deep kind of acceptance that in all honesty I just wouldn’t have been able to conceive of without her support and guidance so I must say, go, book her now while you can, because she’ll soon be going to places where we won’t be able to follow her so closely.

People as precious as Safa come into our lives as rarely as a solar eclipse.

Bless yourself, let Kimiya do the healing, and thank me later. '