Julia arrived and told me she wasn't really sure why she was here. She heard that craniosacral therapy could help her but she didn't know how. When I asked her what she felt she needed help with she replied by saying she didn't really know. So here we were. She didn't know why she was here. Neither did I.
I didn't really know what to say. So instead, I said nothing. I fell into the silence with Julia and stayed there with her. It felt like being in a gap- a deep and identity defining gap. A disconnect.
Suddenly a big question mark appeared to hover over her heard. Kind of like in a cartoon. I've got into a habit of speaking my truth recently, as those of you that know me will have noticed.
So I decided to say just what I saw. I had no idea where it would lead us.
'There's a big question mark over you right now..'
'Yes!' she suddenly bursts out, 'I feel like I have no idea what is happening in my life or in my body or with anything!'
Right! So the question mark was relevant. She needed someone to be with her in the gap, in the disconnection, in the 'what on earth is going on' place that feels so scary to be in alone.
'What's it like to have no idea what's happening?'
'It's terrifying' she replied.
The quality of her body was indeed, terror. Paralysis. Unknown. Shock. A huge question mark was there as if nothing knew how to move or what to do or how to work or what to prioritise. What Julia was feeling was actually what was happening within her. I pointed that out to her.
'You body is terrified. So part of you does know what's happening.'
'That's true' she replied
As she began to acknowledge that actually she was aware of her body a pattern began to emerge. She was being tugged in different directions. Legs were twisting to the right, abdomen was swirling around and being pushed over to the left, her chest was compressed and her heart was flying outside her body.
'Your hearts checked out' I said
'I can't do it anymore' she replied
'Do what?' I asked
'I can't love him any more. It's destroying me'
Julia suddenly revealed she had been in an abusive relationship for 15 years but had kept it a secret from everyone she knew. She went on to describe her partner as toxic and not good for her. She was ashamed, scared and humiliated. She couldn't leave him. She couldn't remember the person she used to be and didn't know how she had got here.
'Who are you now?' I asked
'I don't know' she replied.
As Julia began to open up and reveal her deeply held secret, her entire thoracic wall began to soften. Her heart was moving like someone trying to run up a downwards moving escalator.
'What is your heart doing right now?' I asked her
'I think it's annoyed with me' she said
'Why is it annoyed?'
'Because I don't listen to it'
'What's it saying that you don't want to hear'
'That I deserve better. I don't deserve to be treated like this'
'It's hard to hear that you deserve better. It's hard to hear that you deserve to be loved and looked after and protected.'
'Yes' Julia said, as tears fell from her eyes
'I was raised by my grandma. I was always scared of her. My mum was always working. I never felt like she loved me enough to be around me.'
Julia's early childhood had been difficult for her. Whilst she had material safety, she was terrified of her strict and conservative grandmother who was doing her best to raise her the way she was raised. Rules, regiment and very controlled. Julia's mum would be working outside the village in a nearby town and would come back on weekends. Then she would go again. Julia always wondered whether one day, she might not come back. So the terror of Grandma was the safest thing she had. And now, the terror of living with her partner, who was emotionally and mentally abusive towards her, was her safety. It was all she knew.
As we explored on deeper levels where the terror was living, slowly Julia's heart was heard. There was a deep fragmentation in her body, everything was working separately and trying desperately to function but there was very little coordination or harmony. All the organs were trying to speak at once. They all had different instructions for her and a sense of urgency.
It was overwhelming. This is why she had no idea what was going on. There was too much noise. I could feel this sense of needing to speak, just like when a group of people are all determined to say their piece at the same time. Julia was able to recognise that this was . happening in her system.
'It's no surprise you have no idea what is going on, they're not making it easy for you!'
'I know! I can feel them now, they're all speaking at once. It's really scary. I feel like i'm being pulled in different directions and I just don't know how to be here anymore'
'I can feel it too.' I said. 'What shall we do?' I asked
'I don't know' she said, with that same familiar tone of someone that has resigned all their power.
'The part of you that knew that you were terrified. That part of you might know what do to. Shall we ask?'
'Ok' she replied'
I took a deep breath. 'So here we are, what can we do with Julia's organs that are all speaking at the same time over each other'
'They need to speak to each other' she said
Suddenly a wave of energy came through Julians body starting at her neck and running down. Her heart and liver began to dialogue. It was like an actual meeting was taking place. They went back and forward with a strong and serious tone.
'I can feel that' she said 'My heart and liver are talking'
'Yes. It seems like quite a serious conversation they're having about you'
'Yes they're really serious!' She replied.
She started to connect deeper within herself. After several minutes her stomach began to respond and the three began to reconnect. Then her intestines. Before long, her whole body was engaged. It felt like her organs were actually having a round table discussion about how to proceed and what to do as priority. I was absolutely amazed at their level of intelligence, dedication, organisation and seriousness.
'Can you hear what's happening here?' I asked Julia
'They're all talking about me!' she gasped
'Yes. They're really trying to working together now'
'I can feel it, It feels good! They care about me. I feel stronger already.'
'I wonder whether you can be part of this meeting, whether they'll let you into the board room to make some decisions with them. Do you want to be there?' I asked
'Yes, I'd love to be there with them' she replied
'Pull up a chair and join them' I said.
For the rest of the session Julia was able to participate in a deep body dialogue which took place deep within her. The dialogue was through real physical sensation, physiological processes, energetic reorganisation and emotional release. She was now a key figure in the decision making as her organs collaborated. She declared her needs, her pain and what she needed for the future. They responded. She invited her heart back into her body and said she needed it to make the right decisions. She admitted to her liver she was angry with the way she was being treated and that she wanted to find a way to be in a safe and loving relationship. She understood, finally, that this started with her ability to find safety and love in her own body.
'How do your organs feel about you?' I asked her
'They really care about me. They love me' she gushed, then added, 'and I love them too'
Julia's journey to being able to love herself from the inside out, her ability to acknowledge that her body was working for her and desperate to find the best way for her to proceed in life was a journey that was catalysed in one hour but took place over the course of several sessions. We worked together to settle her overstimulated sympathetic nervous system and her relax her tightened tentorium which had become clenched and frozen from constantly 'living in her head' and rounding her shoulders, a posture that unconscious kept her 'invisible' and therefore 'safe'. Her spinal accessory nerve that ran through her neck muscles eventually took it's foot of the gas allowing her neck and throat to open and let her speak her truth.
Allowing her body to express itself gave her the understanding that her self worth, crafted and solidified as a young child, had become the basis of her adult personality. Julia left the session determined to change and feeling empowered. She knew she deserved better and she was determined to experience love, safety in herself and in a real relationship.
We continued our work together for several months. Shortly after our last session Julia contacted me to tell me she had ended her abusive relationship and was now renting her own flat on the other side of town. She had adopted a rescue puppy, a Springer Spaniel with long eyelashes and a kind heart, and had named her 'Hope.'
If you're interested to try craniosacral therapy and see what your organs have to say to you, get in touch on my website kimiyahealing.co.uk or email me at safaboga@gmail.com. All client names and identifiable details have been changed to honour the sacred confidentiality of the work.